Imagine having a chicken dinner on Thanksgiving!
What would Thanksgiving be without the turkey and the trimmings? To many people, it wouldn't be Thanksgiving. Ironically, we eat more chicken than turkey on a year-round basis. However, we have grown accustomed to eating turkey on Thanksgiving Day. Having a chicken dinner would be a big change that few people would accept.
It has to do with our perception. Humans are creatures of habit. We like stability and dislike change.
While it's unlikely that people will switch from turkey to chicken on Thanksgiving, it is definite that people will go through many major life transitions like divorce at some point or another. Many people struggle through changes because of the insecurity and uncertainty that a major life transition brings.
If you're dealing with a divorce, Thanksgiving can be a heart-wrenching time. Where last year you were still a family, this year that stability has been ripped to shreds and you're trying to sew the pieces back together. Here are a few ways that you can stay sane through the Thanksgiving holidays.
Dealing with divorce: Coping with the nostalgia
The first Thanksgiving after a divorce will be fraught with poignant memories of previous Thanksgivings and the traditions you shared. Expect to feel sad. The contrast between how you felt in previous years and how you feel this year will make it even more painful.
Take this year to make new traditions. If you always spent Thanksgiving with your spouse’s family, go visit yours this year. Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen, or having a Thanksgiving dinner with your friends. When you're dealing with divorce, don't put all your focus on how things were. Think about how things could be now, and take steps to make them that way.
Dealing with divorce: Talk to supportive friends and family
Don't worry about being a Debbie Downer. Now, that doesn't mean you should spend the whole holiday weekend moping around and waxing eloquent about how horrible dealing with divorce is. It just means that you shouldn't try to plaster on a happy face and keep it there, even when you're in pain inside.
If you need to vent or need a shoulder to cry on, grab a friend or family member that you trust and let it out. Otherwise, do your best to strive for a good holiday atmosphere, free from bitterness. The fact that you're around supportive friends and family alone should show you that it's not the end of the world.
Just don't make Thanksgiving itself your rant day. Try to talk to somebody beforehand and keep the negative thoughts and energy of dealing with divorce away from Thanksgiving. Otherwise, you're going to make the holiday itself more rotten for you and bring it down for your friends and family.
Dealing with divorce: Be flexible with the scheduling
If you have children, then you'll do something you haven't had to do before: figure out which parent they'll spend Thanksgiving with. It may be hard to arrange transportation and scheduling with your ex, but try to be civil and flexible when you do. Part of dealing with divorce is not letting bitterness color the holiday for you or your children. It's not going to do anybody any good for you to get angry because your ex couldn't pick up the kids until 7 p.m. when he was supposed to be there an hour earlier.
Most importantly, don't speak ill of your ex to your kids or complain about having to "share" them for the holidays. If your children are old enough to make decisions about where to go for the holidays, chances are they already feel guilty about not being able to see both of you on Thanksgiving. Complaining will make it worse, and may actually make them resent you. Plus, even though your marriage didn't work out, your kids still need their other parent and should be made to feel special.
Dealing with divorce: List what you are thankful for
As you're dealing with a life transition like divorce, you may very well be thinking about nothing else. And who could blame you? Everything in your life has been turned upside-down by that one action. However, the very definition of Thanksgiving is "giving thanks."
Take some time this Thanksgiving to sit down and write out what you are thankful for. Make it serious; "I am thankful for my health and that of my family." Make it silly: "I am thankful that gas went down five cents before my holiday trip." Just take the time to see what you have to be thankful for. The list is probably longer than you'd expect, and by seeing everything that you do have in your life, you'll have better perspective for this holiday and the future.
Life transitions are never easy, and there may well be days where all you want to do is find a time machine and put everything back to the way it was before you had to deal with the divorce. But by taking little steps at a time, you'll be able to adapt. The holidays will never be like you remembered them, but with a little patience, understanding and flexibility, you can make your first Thanksgiving after a divorce a hopeful, if poignant, one.
Dave Webster & Tolu Adeleye are partners of Contemporary Lifestyle Consulting Inc. and the co-authors of "Stay Sane Through Change: How To Rise Above The Challenges Of Life’s Complex Transitions." Don't spend another minute floundering in stasis. Visit http://www.staysanethroughchange.com/book.php today to get a 10 percent discount on the audio book.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Divorce Support: Recovering Your Personal Identity during Life Transitions
The only things certain in life are death and taxes, as the saying goes. For everything else, change is constant. And unfortunately, a life transition like a divorce can leave you reeling. Not only have you lost the person you loved the most and the family you made together, but you've also lost the identity you've built up during the marriage, whether it lasted one year or 20.
You're no longer "Bob's wife" or "Laura's husband." You're the ex, the only single person amongst married couples. If you're like many people, you may have defined yourself in conjunction with your marriage, and now that that's gone, that identity is lost as well.
That isn't true. You were a whole person before you married, and that didn't change just because you tied the knot. Right now you might be hard-pressed to identify anything positive about this life transition. But just like a phoenix rises from its own ashes to new life, time and again, so too can you rise from the ashes of a divorce as a new person.
Divorce Support: Take the time to mourn
Any time there's a major life transition, be it death, divorce or even a career, it's perfectly normal and even healthy to mourn what you have lost. It was an important part of your life, and you will miss it. Mourn however you need to. Cry whenever you feel like it. Talk to your supportive friends and family. Go for long walks.
But remember: you can't stay in a state of mourning forever. Acknowledge your past life, and even remember it fondly, but at some point you do need to move on.
Divorce Support: Accepting change
Right after your divorce, you may have noticed that no matter how much you wished it wouldn't, the sun still rose every morning. The world didn't stop just because your life turned upside down. You have to accept that change and move on with your new identity. You have to leave the past behind and move on.
Even though you're probably feeling adrift in the sea of a major life transition, know that feeling won't last forever. Like all things, it will come to an end.
Divorce Support: Look to yourself
You may have spent so much time defining yourself by your marriage that you forgot what mattered to you as a person. Now take the time to look at yourself, and consider your old interests, and maybe even discover new ones. What do you like to do? What have you always wanted to try? Take this opportunity to step out a little bit at a time. You may be surprised about what you find during this life transition.
One woman never had a bank account or managed household finances for the entirety of her 18-year marriage. Four years after her divorce, she was running a thriving business. Another man, after trying to commit suicide when his marriage was falling apart, later teamed up with a good friend to start a charity to provide divorce support to others going through major life transitions.
Have you wanted to learn to ski? How about learning cooking or sign language? Maybe you've wanted to travel to Peru and see Macchu Picchu. If there's something you really want to try, now is the time to do it.
Divorce Support: Moving to new relationships
Now that you've been through a divorce, you'll see all relationships in a new light. Look back at your marriage and see what went right and what went wrong. If you and your spouse had communication problems, then you'll know to look for people who are good at expressing themselves.
Don't feel like you have to rush into another serious, committed relationship. Some people move on faster than others, and this is a major life transition you are dealing with. If you're just looking for a relationship because you're lonely or miss intimacy, wait. Take this time to rebuild yourself, so if or when you are ready for a new relationship, you'll have a whole person to offer to your significant other.
Divorce Support: Know yourself
In her article “Discovering Your Single Identity,”Christina Basciano wrote, "The key to transforming pain into self-knowledge is to learn to accept that the purpose of life was not generated by the partnership but that the partnership played a role in life's purpose."
Don't view your divorce as a failure, but as the closing of a chapter in your life. Now the page has turned, and it's up to you to write the next words.
Dave Webster & Tolu Adeleye are partners of Contemporary Lifestyle Consulting Inc. and the co-authors of "Stay Sane Through Change: How To Rise Above The Challenges Of Life’s Complex Transitions." Don't spend another minute floundering in stasis. Visit http://www.staysanethroughchange.com/book.phptoday to get a 10 percent discount on the audio book.
You're no longer "Bob's wife" or "Laura's husband." You're the ex, the only single person amongst married couples. If you're like many people, you may have defined yourself in conjunction with your marriage, and now that that's gone, that identity is lost as well.
That isn't true. You were a whole person before you married, and that didn't change just because you tied the knot. Right now you might be hard-pressed to identify anything positive about this life transition. But just like a phoenix rises from its own ashes to new life, time and again, so too can you rise from the ashes of a divorce as a new person.
Divorce Support: Take the time to mourn
Any time there's a major life transition, be it death, divorce or even a career, it's perfectly normal and even healthy to mourn what you have lost. It was an important part of your life, and you will miss it. Mourn however you need to. Cry whenever you feel like it. Talk to your supportive friends and family. Go for long walks.
But remember: you can't stay in a state of mourning forever. Acknowledge your past life, and even remember it fondly, but at some point you do need to move on.
Divorce Support: Accepting change
Right after your divorce, you may have noticed that no matter how much you wished it wouldn't, the sun still rose every morning. The world didn't stop just because your life turned upside down. You have to accept that change and move on with your new identity. You have to leave the past behind and move on.
Even though you're probably feeling adrift in the sea of a major life transition, know that feeling won't last forever. Like all things, it will come to an end.
Divorce Support: Look to yourself
You may have spent so much time defining yourself by your marriage that you forgot what mattered to you as a person. Now take the time to look at yourself, and consider your old interests, and maybe even discover new ones. What do you like to do? What have you always wanted to try? Take this opportunity to step out a little bit at a time. You may be surprised about what you find during this life transition.
One woman never had a bank account or managed household finances for the entirety of her 18-year marriage. Four years after her divorce, she was running a thriving business. Another man, after trying to commit suicide when his marriage was falling apart, later teamed up with a good friend to start a charity to provide divorce support to others going through major life transitions.
Have you wanted to learn to ski? How about learning cooking or sign language? Maybe you've wanted to travel to Peru and see Macchu Picchu. If there's something you really want to try, now is the time to do it.
Divorce Support: Moving to new relationships
Now that you've been through a divorce, you'll see all relationships in a new light. Look back at your marriage and see what went right and what went wrong. If you and your spouse had communication problems, then you'll know to look for people who are good at expressing themselves.
Don't feel like you have to rush into another serious, committed relationship. Some people move on faster than others, and this is a major life transition you are dealing with. If you're just looking for a relationship because you're lonely or miss intimacy, wait. Take this time to rebuild yourself, so if or when you are ready for a new relationship, you'll have a whole person to offer to your significant other.
Divorce Support: Know yourself
In her article “Discovering Your Single Identity,”Christina Basciano wrote, "The key to transforming pain into self-knowledge is to learn to accept that the purpose of life was not generated by the partnership but that the partnership played a role in life's purpose."
Don't view your divorce as a failure, but as the closing of a chapter in your life. Now the page has turned, and it's up to you to write the next words.
Dave Webster & Tolu Adeleye are partners of Contemporary Lifestyle Consulting Inc. and the co-authors of "Stay Sane Through Change: How To Rise Above The Challenges Of Life’s Complex Transitions." Don't spend another minute floundering in stasis. Visit http://www.staysanethroughchange.com/book.phptoday to get a 10 percent discount on the audio book.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
